INSURANCE POLICIES FOR
THE NUPTIALLY BLIND…
We may never know why men
cheat on their lover’s, it is enough to know that they have done so since the
beginning of all reckoning which leads to the sober conclusion that there will
be no eminent end to this long standing tradition. It may be more helpful to understand why they
are infamously successful in any event.
So allow me to begin this discourse by asking you, the reader, to answer
one simple question: “What is the one thing all cheaters have in common?” Take 30 seconds to think before answering and
those who wish to pour a cocktail before responding get extra time as follows:
BONUS COCKTAIL POINTS:
(each point measured in seconds)
a)
A mixed-cocktail with 1 shot of liquor = 30
extra seconds.
b)
A mixed-cocktail with 2 or more shots of liquor
= 60 extra seconds, (add 20 sec. per additional shot).
c)
A straight shot or iced of liquor = 40 extra
seconds.
d)
Each additional straight or iced shot = 30 sec.
per additional shot over the first shot.
e)
Each beer/wine glass = 30 seconds, (1 pint = 40
seconds), and each additional beer earns 30 sec.
f)
Absinthe = 80 seconds per dose.
Okay, back to the subject at hand.
Cheaters are not exceptionally endowed with intelligence by
any stretch of the imagination; in fact, I will personally venture to say that
most of them, to the contrary, measure well below mediocre intelligence. What many cheaters have going for them is a
common sense of self-entitlement, (or selfishness in layman’s terms), that
drives them to unexpected depths of depravity combined with an investment in an
iron-clad policy of what might be called, “Blind Insurance”. A cheater takes out a Blind Insurance Policy
on his lover at his unawares. The betrayed actually buys into each and every
clause, condition and term of the Blind Insurance policy without ever knowing
it. Sound familiar? If so they you have at some time been at
either end of the equation as the cheater or the cheated!
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Allow me to place our discussion on pause so that my readers
can tally up the bonus-cocktail points they have so gallantly earned. Depending on how much you have ingested
points accrued may widely vary. Please
do add them up now for your author. I
have long contemplated a general grading scale for this exercise and have
determined that bonus points will be rewarded as follows:
1.
30 points/seconds = Average Thinker (Poplar
Level)
2.
50 – 70 points/seconds = Insightful Thinker
(Junior Inspiration, Pine Level)
3.
90 - 150 points/seconds = Inspired Intellectual
(Manly Discernment Walnut Level)
4.
170 or greater points/seconds = Brilliant Intellectual
(Gentlemanly Mahogany Level)
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If all of this business about Blind Insurance is an immense
mystery to you they either you have not earned enough points and need to
revisit paragraph one, lines 5 and 6 respectively or you have had the great
fortune of never having been cheated on, (to your knowledge), or have never
cheated on anyone, (and given it any thought).
In any event, let us now examine the dark mysteries of cheating setting
our shot glasses, our aperitif glasses, our snifters, our beer mugs, our wine
glasses and our flagons aside…
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No cheater can operate a successful enterprise unless he can
earn the buy-in of his prey. Whether
this buy-in is the stuff of a fool’s paradise or simply the apathy of a lover
who, equally deceitful, is cheating in kind or some other unholy permutation of
these extremes it all qualifies as a very insidious policy dedicated to the
insurance and encouragement of a general state or condition of blindness with
respect to the reality of the situation at hand. Once again in layman’s terms this means that
one of both parties is heavily invested in the creation, perpetuation and or
ignorance of a false fidelity! This
simply cannot be said a more basic language.
It is too ironic to imagine entire books being devoted to this honest
truth when it can be expressed in so few words.
Not one for brute efficacy when eloquence can be bent to a good cause I
must nonetheless make this gentlemanly argument for the virtue of perspicacity!
There may be an untapped market in the area of Insurance
policies for the nuptially blind.
Cheaters would do well to invest in such a policy to ensure they will
avoid detection and to cover the inevitable expenses of an untimely exposure.
For cheaters an nuptial blindness insurance package would cover such expenses
as eviction, medical expenses, legal and storage expenses as well as expenses
associated with moving and re-establishing a place of residence at short
notice. Likewise, hopeless romantics
might invest in this keepsake to manage everything from legal costs, relocation
costs, mental therapy costs, new locks, bail bond for crimes committed against
their ex’s, etc., etc., etc. Nuptially blind insurance is a boon for all
parties involved; it just takes a bit of creativity. With the rising number of breakups it makes
sense for relationships teetering on the brink of disaster to invest in some
form of game plan that will help them manage the unexpected and costly expenses
of a breakup including the mental loads they will incur.
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As a closing statement, let me leave the weightiness of our
discussion of the human psyche, the psychology and vestments of infidelity to
the wit of my gloriously enlightened readers and venture back to a subject far
more palatable, that of liberating libations… My offering is this:
“WHILE THERE IS NO SHAME IN THE MEDICORE, LET US ALL ASPIRE
TO BRILLIANCE!”
Specifically, Let us now feel free to contemplate what has
been revealed and look to increase our points especially if they remain in the
primary woods, poplar and pine and shift to the finer veneers of walnut and mahogany. Let us take time to bring our points up to
150 or greater for the further contemplation of this exercise.
As a final exercise please, when commenting on this article,
include what point level has inspired your insight!
CHEERS!
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Written by BIGDADDYBLUES
Administrator: For The Brothas Cultural, Intellectual Salon
A GALLERY OF RELATED IMAGES
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