5SEX AND THE MARRIED MAN:
When circumstances lead a married man to explore the dating world of gay men there is legitimate reason for the single gay men he encounters to wonder why. But why? Indeed why not? I’ve refreshed my double old fashioned glass with a handsome pour of bourbon to help me answer just that question. Should you do likewise I assure you it would be an observance of best practices… I should not assume straightway there is anything wrong with dating a married man as long as all parties involved are satisfied with the outcome. By all-parties I am referencing the married man, his male/female partner and the single gay man completing the cast.
Many people tend to categorize the intimate arrangement also known as an open relationship as problematic assuming it constitutes a fundamental evil. Typically this assumption has been made without actually vetting out the circumstances at hand. That would require a more intimate understanding of the human variables involved consisting of facts and emotions which are unavailable to the casual observer. For this reason it is best to ignore dogmatic biases when evaluating human lifestyles. It could take an ideological transformation for some people to objectively comprehend the interpersonal dynamics. But it could only make sense if it were accompanied by a basic familiarity with the specific circumstances that defined the relationship. For this reason I have always kept my distance from gossip…
There are two types of open relationships but only one of the two qualifies as actually open. When a married man cultivates a relationship with a single gay man without the knowledge or consent of his partner he has established a blind-open relationship. When a married man establishes a relationship with a single gay man with the knowledge and consent of his partner he cultivates an open relationship.
Transparency is the mature, civilized way to cultivate an open relationship. If you look closely it is clear that such an arrangement in spite of its tendency toward public admission is truly a personal phenomenon. Its inner sanctum typically exists as a covenant between two primary partners one or both of whom initiate sub-contracts with additional parties in a pyramidal matrix leaving the primary couple at the top of the food chain. As exotic as this may sound it is actually quite typical of the singles world regardless of sexual orientation. The model, simplified as a triangle relies on each person for structural and emotional stability and for this reason the entire ménage must be evaluated from a triple parallax. To some that is its fatal complication. To others it defines the threshold to simplicity. The pyramid necessarily excludes some parties from full access to the cache of associative benefits, whatever those may consist of but that is also an integral part of the buy-in.
Consider this poetic fable:
“A married man, his spouse and a single gay man are performing an impressive tabletop dance. The two table legs barely sustaining the vigorous show hazard a glimpse of the ensuing, precarious fate when the two legs break under the weight of the three dancers. The drunken crowd watches noisily waiting for gravity to end the show revising an old, outdated phrase, “it takes three to tango… but WHOA!”.”
As a mature gentleman in my early fifties I have noticed an increasing frequency in propositions from married/committed men the identites of whom shall of course remain a mystery. To this unexpected but much appreciated attention I now raise a toast! Flattery however shall get a handsome sigh of regret since I have never had the temperament to follow up on all the offers. Like my single, gay brothers who I am certain absorb the majority of these entreatments I find myself wondering where this trend comes from, where it will and could go; does anyone know?
Just for the record I have consistently rejected these offerings primarily because it contradicts my gentlemanly ethics and it unbalances the positive nature of the spiritual karma I have worked so handsomely to cultivate. Let me clarify that my personal choice has nothing to do anyone else’s, with either religion or any specific brand of blind-faith, it is not a penance suffered to absolve past sins of the flesh. I find it quite sexy to know I have past sins of the flesh… they validate me as a normal, sexual being. That being clarified allow me to affirm that if I ever slept with a married man, (and I have), I made it the most enjoyable fall from grace a brotha could ever survive…. Cheers to that revelation because while living my life I’m not adding up my sins I am simply enjoying them?
So what does a brotha do when propositioned to digress from his good common sense? Does he call his father for gentlemanly advice, does he consult his well-worn first-edition of Emily Post? He just has to look the married men in the eye and let him know where he stands! But before you do be certain you know where you stand!
Were it not for the singular fact every married man has already betrothed their plight, an unfortunate and tragically poetic Shakespearian folly, I should certainly invite them to make the most creative love our imaginations could conceive. If you agree please raise another toast! “To indulgences! may they all be orgasmically sexy!”
To be erotically honest I do look forward to breaking my own rules on occasion, to moral deconstructions and ethical erosions as they make for an interesting memoir. Also they serve to keep our egos in perspective reminding us that we are imperfect. A well planned sin here and there works to balance the equation wherein man measures himself against notions of perfection. Erotic keepsakes housed in the mind become handy when sex is but a memory... if we are fortunate enough to live that long we will see…
Whether by mature conviction or pure folly my decision to limit myself to platonic relationships with married men speaks directly from my philosophy as a man. And I find a double shot of Kentucky bourbon-whiskey helps… I have stepped back from critique refusing to judge any man’s personal journey and redirecting that energy to assert the power of my gentlemanly values in this life’s journey. Standing back from oneself, watching yourself live is a potent draught. Yet so few of us appear to be strong enough to stomach it…
A man who fails to understand and live his own philosophy is not a complete man he is a pupal-man, a vacant-body, a voyeur, or an automaton… he is as close to being soulless as anyone could be…
The pool of available, single men between 40 and 60 has become such a rarefied draught simply by attrition leaving the subset of single, mature men even smaller. Add the personal filters that determine attraction and then step back to assess what remains… be careful choosing your poison! Love is such a private road. Clearly the absence of attractive options has created a demand on both sides of the curve. I believe it’s safe to assume many married men realize they are considered to be a desirable commodity for the consumption of single men and vice versa. What’s often lost in translation is the human side. Sex often drives the attraction but there are other human variables that surface as primary players when the matter is placed under a microscope. Specifically the third wheel in an open relationship is typically left floating in limbo without advocacy. Typically the third wheel is either oblivious and/or locked-out form the details through the craftiness of the first wheel, AKA the husband. Of course as the model becomes more pathological all parties save the married man are blind-pawns feeding a megalomaniacal ego. That’s clearly the down side of sexual deception but human to its core...
That is where I step in. As a gentleman I assume responsibility for protecting the integrity of the Third party be they a wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever the case… If a married man approaches me to participate in the violation of his vows, his associative contractual responsibilities, as a gentleman I am foresworn to decline. Until I can confirm that third parties are not being hurt everything is placed on hold! Such sterling chivalry leaves a man to wonder how he ever got the idea to turn such potentially good sex down. Were it not for the fact I have enjoyed a rich and plentiful sex and philosophical life I should probably never have realised this epiphany. Managing that potential is really what maturity is all about. This includes being real about human weakness imperfect as I am…. I know I may succumb to desire and if that is my karma I will explore it to its fullest, guiltless and lustily so! Human frailty my friend is forgivable but predatory thirstiness is patently ungentlemanly!
The needle spins in both directions, a single gay man who targets married men and a married man who targets single gay men are both predatory driven by ungentlemanly motives. A gentleman must assume it is not allright to become an accessory in the violation of a married man’s vows and verbal/nonverbal covenant with his partner. There is a difference between a premeditated outcome and happenstance. When the latter occurs a gentleman has time to reason his way out of trouble. However the former scenario rather finds him in its pursuit. The lesson is that we will not always mind our superego and we will potentially fail to act as a gentleman at some point. It is the heavier weight of those times when we have lived up to our ideals that should always supercede any guilt. Guilt can either be a crutch allowing us to perpetuate something bad or an inspiration to do better!
Exploring my own philosophical ideals has taught me how difficult it is to live the gentlemanly life. I accept what successes I achieve building upon them as I grow in wisdom. My sacrifices have only implications for me… my spiritual buy-in is not in any way connected to that of any other man. The overlay connecting my personal ethics with other men is how I choose to interact with them. I only judge my actions. My interpretation of the proper application of the gentlemanly arts affects those men to whom my life might serve as an example. Therefore I live as an example to others poised along a similar journey.
I conclude this essay on gentlemanly etiquette advising that it is ungentlemanly to cultivate anything save the most platonic friendship with a married man. A gentleman must honor and respect another mans vows even if that man fails to respect them. A gentleman’s duty is to respect family! A gentleman will never undermine a family in fact it is his responsibility to help to strengthen it should he find weaknesses. Raise this simple virtue as a toast celebrating sex and the single man!
CHEERS!
Written by BIGDADDY BLUES
SEX ON THE FIRST DATE? O’ I CAN’T WAIT? AND NO NEED TO STRESS OUT MAN, IT’S NOT A TEST, JUST DO YOUR BEST!
When two single-mature people act on mutual, sexual chemistry on their first encounter it can be a beautiful thing… Many people chose to suppress their libido rather than allowing their natural instincts to guide them toward better sexual fulfillment. We should continually build our sensual strength by fearlessly exploring the sexual domain. We really do have a brief window to enjoy pure physical, sexual bliss during the phases of our life before our bodies are no longer capable of achieving the sensual heights of youth. As we mature and sex becomes more cerebral well want to rely on an extensive repository of sexual skills to satisfy our curiosity for sexual growth. Men who resist strong sexual urges during their sexual prime risk regretting their lack of assertiveness later when resolving could-have-been rendezvous with what might have been their sexual soulmate. Many aspects of our Post-Victorian, post-mortem culture of sexual prudishness lavishes a heavy guilt-marketing campaign on the theme of free, unbridled and unmarried sex. What else would and should unmarried people be doing in their free time other than having amazing sex? Woe to any single man young, mature or old, who still fears the unmentionable “F-WORD”….. no the other one, “fornication”! Even in 2016 the concept of fornication slices through our consciousness from mass media platforms like Jerry Springer or Entertainment Tonight evoking enough oohs and aahs to trasform a cozy American family room into something that sounds like the backroom of a bordello... This phenomenon may suggest that billions of dollars spent annually on pornography are sustaining a lucrative market that is the secret world of “Naughty” or “Sinful” sex. Has this population somehow missed the entire sexual revolution going on strong all around us… the presence of these sexually effervescent but socially closeted people causes me to just lick my lips whilst shaking my head... Knowing from first hand experience that sex between single folk is exploding all around me causes me to smile a very naughty smile reveling in the fact that sexual inhibition is alive and well….
Because I occasionally entertain role-play I especially like the idea that people still take time to pretend they are having naughty sex in a world where sex has become so ordinary that it has lost its edge. We really have to consider how to make human sexuality special and magical again now that it is just another form of entertainment. Sex should never be just another form of amusement, it is a supreme and princely art form! Work can be boring, food and conversation can be occasionally boring but I draw the line with sex which should be extraordinary otherwise it should not be pursued!
I encourage those who are liberal minded enough to enjoy sex for its own sake to continue enjoying erotic, sensual passion without trying to qualify it against a culturally obsolete model of morality. Once again all single men should have amazing abundant sex otherwise what will they write in their memoirs? become an artist at sex and keep it moving!
Sex seems to have always been one of those things people either understood or totally misconstrued. It is easily corrupted by the disillusioned and misinformed. In the past sexuality was improperly interpreted by most religions attempting to desecularize it. Well sex is perhaps one of the most secular attributes of men it has nothing to do with morality because it is part of the very foundation of our human instinct. We do not even have an option to opt-out of sexuality whether we act on our instincts or not as every man who has made a vow of chastity will confirm! Make no mistake that from cradle to grave all men are sexual beings! Why would anyone try to deny this? Not only does detail not make sense it literally is futile..
The next time I hear a grown and single man say he regrets having sex on the first date or encounter I’m going to ask him if it was amazing sex or ordinary sex he regrets! Nobody regrets good sex! There are extenuating and patently hypothetical circumstances that can make the outcomes of amazing sex regrettable but we shall not here engage them. I mean to be clear that I am no advocate of blind, irresponsible, wreckless lechery… sex and therefore sexuality should be treated as high art forms by gentlemen who have painstakingly cultivated them with brilliant success… Sex is fine on the first, second and any other date and if a man has to question his libido there is some other issue afoot having nothing to do with morality but perhaps closer to compatibility. I cannot force any man to grow or evolve all I can do is remind him of that possibility….
Written By: BIGDADDY BLUES
IN A MATURE RELATIONSHIP THERE IS NO TIME FOR CHILDISH GAMES
Why in the world would a mature gentleman waste valuable time playing a young man’s dating, mating or social games? Well, I assure you the simple and correct answer is that he wouldn’t and the real, profoundly chivalrous answer is that he shouldn’t. For those of us gentlemen who play straight and try to live in the real much of our twenty-first century social gripes reveal that dealing with other adults has become something like an unholy cross between dodged-ball, Halloween dress up and hide-and-go-seek which are indeed children’s games. The wise mans conclusion is that maturity and game do not fit into the same sentence except as a commentary on immaturity. That is a mature man neither has nor cultivates game because he has and cultivates a mature and sustainable lifestyle eliminating any need for game as a survival crutch.
If you are a mature man with an eventful and fulfilling life your personal time is far too valuable to waste trying to figure the other man’s game out beyond a purely tactical business interest. That indeed is a business game familiar to executives and entrepreneurs but inappropriate for love and relationship applications. Private time should not carry the same stresses as professional time because then our personal relationships begin to morph into a part or full time job. Who needs two of those? And if you do have more than one job you’re not likely to have any time left for love… Game for games sake is a puerile frivolity and a mature man’s folly. By now most mature men have developed excellent interpersonal skills tempered by the wisdom of many years of human success and failure. Now is the time to bring those critical skills sets together so that old mistakes do not become new ones. If you’ve truly got your life together it’s really quite a serous thing and not at all a not a game!
It’s true, maturity means that many childish whims and notions must be shed, our infantile innocence lost but in exchange for a brilliant new consciousness rescuing us from the self-centered brat we once we’re. Who wouldn’t want to shed those ego-soiled diapers for the smart trousers of a confident, compassionate and responsible gentleman? Apparently and unfortunately quite a few males are unable to make the critical transition from boy to man because they are incapable of trading in boyish games for mannish style.
Maturity can be seen as a mannerism or stylization that represents a successfully amalgamated collection of gentlemanly skills sets. A gentleman’s “style” exudes this coveted pheromone. A gentleman’s style is celebrated because it possess restraint and intelligence as subsets of a broader sense of humanitarianism. That is to say a gentleman chooses honesty and social directness as his communications tools eliminating any need for game.
I have discovered that all personality types can master the art of honesty and social directness. A man has to value the benefits of realness before he can beat the “game” game. Men who closely manage the game factor find that they quickly cut through unnecessary foolishness in order to determine if a person is a worthwhile association. They visualize the problem from multiple parrallaxes so that assessments of compatibility are not just skewed in their favor. They can see when their own personality is incompatible based their weaknesses and not just the other man’s. Being directly honest takes some hootsvuh on the part of any man but the clarity it affords is more than worth the effort.
Even if you do not have that “direct” kind of personality you can advocate for clarity in a relationship of any kind by politely suggesting an issue of importance should be discussed and by doing so you have everything to gain. Leaving social kinks in your path makes them more difficult to unravel after they are forgotten and build a hardened crust and it puts you at risk of pursuing pathways that have no promise.
After an uncertain date a friend decided they would allow their beau-in-question to get back to him in a few days rather than demand immediate feedback. He created this “allowance” as a fix for an issue he “thought” may have occurred. He allowed his insecurity to cause him to second-guess his tact erroneously blaming himself for anything that may have gone wrong, that is a common and almost always fatal mistake. I often caution my friends not to place too much pressure on getting everything perfect during the first 5 to 10 dates especially and ideally up to the 1st year or so. Take your time to watch, listen and grow together making certain there is at least a 50/50 input of enthusiasm and sincerity as impetus to move prudently and therefore happily forward. I cautioned him not to be apprehensive as he didn’t know for certain that his date had been offended because there was no offense evident and I assured him if his date had an issue they would certainly have communicated it if they were mature and serious. He appeared to be the only one who had an issue and by allowing days to elapse before resolution he was adding unnecessary stress to his life. “Deal with it now”, I advised him, “bring this issue or nonissue to closure. You will probably discover the only issue is in your head and you could have used the negative energy bent on this non-issue on something productive… “besides”, I added, “giving a partner time to get over a gripe is a game and an effective technique used by couples who have many years together. They already know each other so well they can predict the others behavior and know their cooled own time. You are not there now, you have not put in the good work to be proficient at that game which isn’t a game any longer at that point in a mature relationship. It is a critical survival skill/tool”. My reflection was that we often presume we are at a more advanced place than we are in most human relationships and we often need to just step back from our preconceptions to assess and better understand our real proximity to life-goals as well as the validity of those goals.
Life as it is experienced through the critical human relationships that come to define it is not a children’s game it represent a most serious journey having the ability to bring great joy and fulfillment to those it touches. People who lack the maturity to accept and implement this truth sink backwards using immature games lacking wisdom and conscience to simulate a healthy, working social maturity. The games they play allow them to feel they are in charge of their destiny but this false confidence is bought at the expense of other people’s freedom and happiness. A gamer is a paranoid fool who visualizes the world as his adversary allowing him to play ugly, dispassionate games with the lives and hearts of others in order to beat nonexistent odds manufactured by their own pathological disillusionment. Living in the real is difficult because it constantly challenges us to adjust ourselves to accommodate the vicissitudes of an unpredictable world. People who play games hide in a crevice where they feel they can ignore the variability of human existence subsisting on aberrant, obsolete survival tools which they feel afford them the ability to resist soulful evolution and refinement. A gamer can be cured but my advice is to refer them to a clinical psychiatrist, do not attempt that dark road the world has far too many offerings free of that disease. Stick to the old-gold plan and find someone who is mature and real because in this brief but brilliant life there is so much really substantive good to be done we really have no time for games…
Written by: BIGDADDY BLUES
A SEXUAL EXERCISE OF UTILITY?
IS ABSTINENCE FROM SEX A VIABLE SOLUTION FOR SEXUAL GROWTH?
INTRODUCTION/BACKGROUND:
This is the first article published to introduce the ongoing saga of a man searching for greater meaning in sex. Ironically he chose to understand his sexuality better by abstaining from it.
PART I.
A close acquaintance of mine informed me of his intention to abstain from sex and I challenged him to produce a viable explanation because why in the world would any man willingly give up what is considered to be the most desired manly pleasure, sex? This challenge led to a mutual agreement that I would closely monitor his progress and publish it's outcome if he successfully abstained from sex for the first 6 months. Today is the end of that 6 month trial. Articles will ensue documenting this saga of sexual exploration and I will attempt to extract anything sensible that can be shared in this man's journey toward a deeper, more human sexual consciousness.
I have maintained that the time frame of 12
-months of sexual inactivity is completely arbitrary, that the time frame should be sensitive to whatever time is actually needed, but needed, i asked, to do what? That was precisely my question... why?
My acquaintance whom I shall hereafter refer to as the gentleman subject responded that he felt he was oversexed and needed a break from sex in order to isolate himself from his instincts. He felt as if he no longer had control of himself that his sex drive had taken control.
He wanted to discover if he should accept his prolific libido as a manifestation of his authentic self to determine if he had the capacity to be monogamous. He felt he had squandered good relationship opportunities because he could not active sexual fidelity.
At first I advised him to try embracing his obvious libido but to no avail. So I challenged him at the 6th month point to share with me his discoveries of self and my subsequent articles will document our conversations.
By BIGDADDY BLUES
To Be Continued
Part II.
HOW SPIRITUALITY & SEXUALITY CAN SAVE A RUNAWAY LIFESTYLE:
THE SECOND INTERVIEW
In the second interview our gentleman subject identified a curious and very personal spiritual journey which in many ways had been the catalyst behind his decision to abstain from sex for an entire year. When I opened this discussion the gentleman subject had just achieved six months without sex. I challenged him to justify his sacrifice proving it’s wisdom by identifying tangible outcomes. After going six month allegedly without having any sexual interactions I wanted to know how far along his journey this man had come and what experiences he could share hoping they would serve to enlighten others searching for integrity, meaning and substance in a world that has abandoned all.
Of course my first question was, “how did this sexually themed dilemma become a spiritual problem and have you manage to avoid becoming overly puritanical? In your pursuit of self-improvement. Are you trying to be perfect or are you trying to be a better person?”. I asked this because I know it is typical in humans to move from one opposite or extreme to another. I explained to him that I had an inherent distrust of blind, methodical, mechanical radicalism because it seeks to bury or camouflage reality. Well the gentleman subject first advised me that his journey had not led him to demonize sex and that instead he looked forward to revisiting it with a refreshed sensibility specifically to transform it from what he felt had been the satisfaction of a cold and soulless need. He hoped to redirect his innately strong sexual passion toward fulfilling and meaningful long-term relationships. So when I asked if this meant he had decided to abandon uncommitted sex he responded that as long as he remained single his goal would be to achieve meaningful singles sexual relationships, that he would demand a higher sense of integrity and transparency when dating and mating. I advised him that I had hoped he would have come to the conclusion that quality sex demanded quality human relations having evolved to a higher life form from sexual quantity for its own sake. I saw that he had opened a door allowing him to pursue sexuality on a far more personal level allowing him to break away from just having sex so that he could begin to make love.
Our gentleman subject mentioned several key events in his life that represented this turning point from casual sexuality. He confessed he had often met lovers in bars and clubs, online and even on the street for a one time hookup. This is nothing strange to most men but there is a point at which one has to expect more out of so many hours of sex. Looking back on his life in his early fifties he found little to show in the human dimension save a series of brief sexual encounters, even the few people he had made weak attempts at relationship building seemed to have found long-term relationships; one of his ex’es had been happily married to a woman for 10 years.
The world is far less forgiving the older we become and so we really need an ally in our life to really for our cause, smoothing the rough patches. But I still needed to know if our gentleman subject had really been faithful to his pledge of abstinence. I remembered we had gone to see strippers on our weekly strippers night out and he confessed he allowed one of his 26 -year old young beau’s to come over and strip for him but swore he just looked, there was no sexual contact at all. After interrogating him extensively I concluded that he may have remained abstenent but that having a private lap dance in your living room may not qualify as abstinence to some.
BY BIGDADDY BLUES
To Be Continued
